Mean Matt McCord, SASS #24683 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan . 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car). 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. OR You can retire to SOUTH DAKOTA where... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. OR You can retire to the Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen , Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too. OR You can retire to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. OR You can retire to the Midwest where... 1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" OR You can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulp, SASS#28319 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Or just come to Oklahoma, the cultural center of the universe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Naah... Fresno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I thought it was/is San Francisco? But what do I know, I voted for Dewey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Logan #12252 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Why retire? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Smokepole #29248L Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Or you can retire in Chicago.... Nah! Screw that......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bama Red Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I thought it was/is San Francisco? But what do I know, I voted for Dewey. Dewey? Why, Badger, you're just a youngster! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwater 53393 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 The Midwest is too flat and the roads are too straight. I like a little weather with my weather so 300 days of beating sun has no alure. Love the big mountains but the folks that are responsible for screwing up the west coast are trying to take over the mountain west. NEW YAWK!! Been there done that!! Desert SW is too hot!! Dakotas are a nice place to visit..... Florida... same as NEW YAWK! Dont' care much for the center. I'll take the Deep south and stay on the edge!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Assassin Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Retirement is not in my near future. All the guys 10+ years older than me got all the gravy jobs, by the time I hit the work force it was too late. My 401K is now a 200.5k. I'll just have to work intil death, my dad is 83 and still working everyday. I do get 4 weeks vacation a year, so I reckon I get 4 weeks of retirement a year. I like it right here in Wyoming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Scatterbrain Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Or just come to Oklahoma, the cultural center of the universe! "I wouldn't lie to ya, friend..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yellowhouse Sam # 25171 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 "I wouldn't lie to ya, friend..." But it is! Haven't you seen the Walmart Shopper pics? On a serious note we've all the culture needed to be pretty dang happy we don't live in some metromess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Scatterbrain Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 But it is! Haven't you seen the Walmart Shopper pics? On a serious note we've all the culture needed to be pretty dang happy we don't live in some metromess. I was alluding to a very old Pizza Hut commercial featuring Hoyt Axton. "you know how they say spaghetti comes from China? Pizza comes from Oklahoma. Cultural center of the universe. I wouldn't lie to ya, friend..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oklahomabound Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Or just come to Oklahoma, the cultural center of the universe! +1 for the Indian Territory portion! Green Country at its finest! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadeye Doug Dalton SASS#65449L Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I thought it was/is San Francisco? But what do I know, I voted for Dewey. Would that be Admiral George Dewey or Dewey of Huey, Dewey, & Louie? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G. I. Tarpicker, SASS #998 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Or was that the Dewey of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe? -- GIT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noz Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I was alluding to a very old Pizza Hut commercial featuring Hoyt Axton. "you know how they say spaghetti comes from China? Pizza comes from Oklahoma. Cultural center of the universe. I wouldn't lie to ya, friend..." Who was Hoyt Axton's Mother? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Would that be Admiral George Dewey or Dewey of Huey, Dewey, & Louie? Or Thomas E. Dewey who lost to FDR in '4 and HST in '48 (the famous DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN headline on the Chicago Daily Tribune.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Phil DeGrave SASS #55202 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Mean Matt, Your California seasons are a little off. It should read, Fire, Flood, Earthquake, and Riot season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good Hands SASS #8247 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I just retired at Walmart, my old tires were really getting bad and they had them on sale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blasted Cap Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Blackwater you sound like my in-laws. "South Dakota is a nice place to visit but...." They still haven't figured out why we moved out here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mean Matt McCord, SASS #24683 Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Mean Matt, Your California seasons are a little off. It should read, Fire, Flood, Earthquake, and Riot season. I stand corrected, sir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Smokepole #29248L Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Chicago only has 2 seasons.... Winter and Road Repair..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apache Hawk 60642 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 The 4 seasons here in MN are Snowing and cold.........more snow and colder...........still more snow and still cold ........snow storm for the record books and coldest yet ! Still don't have a clue as to why I moved here ! ( Yes I do too ! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rex M Rugers #6621 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Who was Hoyt Axton's Mother? That would be Mae Axton. Who's other claim to fame was being the writer of "Heartbreak Hotel". Rex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest EL NEGRO GATO #8178 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan . 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car). 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. OR You can retire to SOUTH DAKOTA where... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. OR You can retire to the Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen , Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too. OR You can retire to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. OR You can retire to the Midwest where... 1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" OR You can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. Witness protection sent to South Dakota almost as bad as Minnesota UF DA ENG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tascosa, SASS# 24838 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 OR.... All y'all can retire to the Texas Panhandle where ya have the best of everything, seasons included (sometimes all in one day) and dang few of the bad things.....The statement that everything is bigger in Texas is not true. Everything in Texas is just BETTER! Tascosa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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