Red Logan #12252 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed, it was ever washed since day one. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every tin can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN I no longer drink Coca Cola or Pepsi Cola because they can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gasoline for my vehicle without taking someone along to watch it, so that a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ... THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the parking lot, because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . Oh and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read the Wire with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. > NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apache Hawk 60642 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 XXX, over........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 We planned it that way, Red. HAPPY 2012 TO YOU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwater 53393 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 SO............. We're in Red's head. KEWL!! HAPPY 2012!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfgang, SASS #53480 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 It is a whole new year . . . we've flipped over the calender page . . and all those fears are now null and void,.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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