Jeremiah Sullivan Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness," he replied. "The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. "Elation," he replied. "The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas. The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 So old it's new again! Har! Got this off'n a bubblegum wrapper about 50 years ago: "Why do Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber?" "You would too if you had to eat whale meat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Houston # 35508 Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Take My Wife... PLEASE!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Are any of your relatives in business? Yes, my parents are in the iron and steel business. Really? Indeed, 'struth. Me mother she irons, and my father he steals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?! "That was no lady, that was my wife!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spanish Bit Bobb Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curley Fryes Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey." An old Flip Wilson joke!! Love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadeye Doug Dalton SASS#65449L Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 I used to tell this one in grade school, in the early 50's. A turtle, a lizzard, and a rabbit are good friends. One day they decide to set out and seek their fortune. They come across a plot of land and decide on farming. "We are going to need fertilizer" says the turtle. They decide the rabbit is to go and find some manure to fertilize their garden. The Rabbit sets off and comes back 4 months later to find a HUGE mansion with gardens and fountains everywhere. It seems the turtle, and the lizzard struck oil while digging. They erected a Mansion on the spot where the farm was to be. He knocks on the door of the mansion and a snooty butler answers. The rabbit says, "Ummm...is the lizard here?" The butler replies "Mr. Li-ZARD IS OUT IN THE YARD. "Well, says the rabbit, is the turtle here?" "Mr Tur-TELL IS OUT BY THE WELL", replies the butler. "OK, fine, the rabbit says, tell them MISTER RA-BITT IS HERE WITH THE $HIT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Smokepole #29248L Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 I think President Obama is the bestest President that we have ever had........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major E A Sterner #12916 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 A Horse walks into a bar, Bartender looks up and says "Why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 A midget walks into a bar and says "Ouch!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Then there was the dyslexic who walked into a bra. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 And the fish that swam into a concrete wall and said "dam". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulp, SASS#28319 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Mom caught little Johnny peeing on the side of house. "If I ever see that again I'll cut your little thingy off." "I don't care, little Suzie ain't got one and she can hit two boards higher than me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadeye Doug Dalton SASS#65449L Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 A Horse walks into a bar, Bartender looks up and says "Why the long face?" John Kerry walks into a bar, the Bartender looks up and says "Why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curley Fryes Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 An old prospecter walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. The bartender says "hey, we don't allow pigs in here" The prospector says "That's not a pig, that's a duck" The bartender says "I was talking to the duck" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Why did the chicken cross the street? To get to the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iron Pony Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Well how about the three legged dog who limps into the saloon? Dog walks up to the bar and the barkeep asks "What can I get you?" Dog looks at the bartender and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lightning Ross #47853 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mack Hacker, #60477 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Then there was the dyslexic who walked into a bra. Hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac??? He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadeye Doug Dalton SASS#65449L Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Why did the chicken cross the street? To get to the other side. Why did the turkey cross the street? Because it was the chicken's day off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Smokepole #29248L Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Dyslexics Untie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Why did the chicken cross the street? To get to the other side. Why did the turkey cross the street? Because it was the chicken's day off. And why did the punk rocker cross the road...? 'cuz he had a chicken stapled to his face...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 How do you get down off of an elephant? You don't, you get it off a goose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good Hands SASS #8247 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 A duck walks into the pharmacy and asks the clerk for condoms. The clerk asks "will you be paying with cash or check?" Just put it on my bill. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants fly. The bartender notices and hollers "hey buddy, did you know you got a steering wheel sticking out of your fly? I know, the pirate replied, its drivin' me nuts! A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of concrete under one arm. He says to the bartender, "one for me and one for the road". A young cowboy walks up to the bar and orders a bowl of chili and a beer. He finishs his bowl of red and notices the old cowboy next to him still had a mostly full bowl. The young cowboy, being broke and still hungry, asks the old cowboy if you ain't gonna eat that bowl of red, ol timer, can I have it? Sure, help yourself, was the reply. As the young cowpoke got to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead rat! Shocked at the sight, the young cowboy throws up back into the bowl. The ol timer turns to him and says, "yea, that's as for as I got too". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 What is black and white and red all over? a newspaper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172 Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 What is green and red all over. . . . . . . . . A frog in a blender. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spooky Joe, SASS #24061 Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 WEhy did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo it can be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? Nobody knows, it's never been done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 Q: How many women with PMS (or menopause) does it take to change a light bulb? A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS! before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE! I'm sorry. What was your question ? ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major E A Sterner #12916 Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, The Bartender looks at them and says Look,I'll serve you, But DON'T start anything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadeye Doug Dalton SASS#65449L Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 What is black and white and red all over? a newspaper. or a wounded nun, rolling down a hill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneaky Gun Runner SASS 79775 Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 What's black and white and goes ding dong? A beat up Avon Lady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadeye Doug Dalton SASS#65449L Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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