Somethin' to think about

[Gunner Gatlin, SASS 10274L]

A freind emailed me this:

 

Thanks

 

As we progress through to the end of 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa is granting my every wish.

 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

 

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

 

I no longer buy biscuits from Wegman's because I now have their recipe.

 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

 

Oh, by the way.....

 

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY…

 

GG ~

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

My dogs drink from the toilet bowl, then lick me in the face. I'm immune.