Tree Fetch'n

[Chip Tosser SASS#27040L]

Hehehe.... That's the first thing I thought of too. I looked real close to see if you was in them branches somewheres.

 

And you're right.... it was either Me, you, Flint or Suzee (sure miss her too)(never could understand her, but miss her none the less)

 

Narrowed down to 4

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

After a while, Marshal Rusty came to. Henry calmed the Marshal down and let him take a few pulls from a "medicine jug" that Henry had brought along to help Rusty get through the pain of his injuries.

 

Cassidy had formulated something of an idea for the tree fetchin' so he eased Topper up next to Chip for a discussion. (discussions with Chip had to be handled gently because of Chip's love for dynamite, nitro and explosions as a method for just about anything).

 

"Chip, remember them pictures of the battering ram on wheels we saw in that knights an' castles book that Madame Fifi has?"

 

"yep, I 'member."

 

"What if we was to build one of them battering rams on wheels with the Christmas tree but leave the branches on?"

 

Chip's brow wrinkled as he talked it through "Hmmmm... all ya'd hafta do is build a tall wagon frame, make it high enough so the branches don't drag, lay the tree on there, an' pull it to Toostone."

 

"Yep, sounds like an easy way to do it."

 

"Cass, the plan sounds good cept' for one thing."

 

"What's that?"

 

"Wellsir, if we get a tree from the place you said... there's an awful lot of rocks around betwixt them trees an' the road."

 

Cassidy smiled "Yup, an' I figger we got enough explosives for you to clear us a nice road (Cassidy really wanted to keep Chip and the dynamite away from the tree).

 

Chip exhaled with a big sigh, "well that sounds safer than the plan I was formulatin'... fer sure."

 

The men shook on it and explained it to the others, only Marshal Rusty spotted the flaw... "what if it breaks loose? We could have a two-ton battering ram rollin' at Toostone at 40 or 50 miles an hour!

 

Chip (now caught up in "the plan") laughed "aw don't worry Rusty, we'd hafta be pretty stoopid for that to happen!"

 

Cassidy

[Marshal Rusty Bore SASS#22739]

Just the words Rusty did not want to hear especially out of Chip's mouth. The Marshal was willing to let the comment go, besides he had something else bothering him. Some idjut had laid a bag of glass bottles under his head for a pillow. I's already got all the lumps on my noggin I care for it's time for this pillow ta hit the trail.

 

Reaching under head his Rusty grabbed the bag and flung it out in front of the wagon.........................................

[Grizzly Dave]

When Grizz reached Miz T, she was sobbing softly at the foot of the tree he'd cut down, and then staked back up. He got off his horse, knelt down, and told her the whole story, about how the impostor had given him permission and taken his money, and how Chip had set him straight, and how he'd come to realize he needed to make things right.

 

She stopped crying, and Grizz stood and helped her to her feet when...

[Chickasaw Bill SASS #70001]

Well now

Grizz did not know what was about to happen , cuase he had been working on the bottle in his pocket , to get up the corage to talf to Miss T

 

As Miss T stood up he saw her eyes flash as red as her hair .

 

So Grizz did the smart thing to do , He lit out like a rabbit fer a brushpile

[Grizzly Dave]

Wouldn't cha know it Miss T tackled Grizz about half way to the tree line.

 

All Grizz could do was stammer out...

 

"Ol Chip was right, you are a right handsome woman"

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

'Evenin', Bottles," Smuteye says as he walks through the batwings, "I reckon somebody up North of here left a south facing door open, 'cause it has flat got cold out there."

 

"Whatcha say, Cass, Chip and a bunch of others is goin' to get the Christmas tree."

 

"Yeah, I remember what happen the last couple times." :lol:

 

"Yeah, I know that roof ain't two years old yet and the foundation over on the east side just stopped settlin' but Rusty's with them so it oughta be all right."

 

"Whatchu mean they toted his unconscious carcass with them?"

 

"Oh, he hit his head again. We really oughta raise that sign up about a half a foot."

 

"Of course I think bein' prepared is a good thing, I'll get right on it."

 

Smuteye steps back out in the cold and sees 'Silver Dollar' Bobby, the kid that runs errands for the telegraph office, coming by at his usual high lope.

 

"Whoa, Bobby, I got a message I need sent to the saw mill over to Buffalo Rump," Smuteye explains.

 

Pulling out a tally book and pencil, he starts writing:

 

"Chips fetching the Christmas tree for the Saloon STOP

 

You know what to send STOP

 

Double the shingles this year, he's been good for too long and this could get serious STOP

 

Will need it ASAP, as usual STOP

 

Yours, STOP

 

Smuteye END"

 

"Here you go, Bobby, and make sure it gets sent off right away," Smuteye says as he hand the message and a silver dollar to the youngun.

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

Old Tom Skinner had been driving stage for 10 years but he'd never seen a sight like this. There was a huge crater where there used to be road. There was a buckboard sitting high up in an old oak tree off to his right. There were a few horses and people in other trees. And on the other side of the crater there were a few more horses and cowboys scattered around, all in various heaps of unconsciousness, and most wearing what appeared to be tattered clothes from a ragpicker.

 

He heard a voice in a tree near the buckboard, "Rusty ya darned fool! Ya just blew up all my nitro!!"

 

Chip Tosser dropped out of a tree with a thump. Beyond the crater, Cassidy rose, looked to see if Topper was all right and helped the now gray stallion to his feet.

 

Soon, the tree fetchin' party had all jumped, fell or climbed out of trees or risen from where they'd been tossed by the blast.

 

Cassidy hollered to Tom, "Ya got any rope Tom? We gotta lower them animals outa them trees."

 

Henry Horns was still in the buckboard up in the oak tree, and he peered cautiously over the side of the wagon... "what about me? How ya gonna get me down?? HELP!!!!"

 

Cassidy

[Grizzly Dave]

With the explosion Miz T fell onto Grizz. So Grizz held her tight and told her everything would be all right.

[Marshal Rusty Bore SASS#22739]

Ieeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhheeee! THUMP!

 

Falling from the tallest tree the Marshal lands on his noggin ( of course) crumpling in pile on the edge of the crater.

 

Ya Ok Rusty, Cass asks? Am I ok Rusty retorts? Ya drag me unconscious on this expedition ya lay 6 bottles of nitro under me, and when I wake up ya fail ta inform me that I'm in a wagon with Chip and enough explosives ta move Mt Everest!

 

Ya sure I'm fine! Where's Chip and did ya bring my rope!

[Chip Tosser SASS#27040L]

You just nevermind that rope Marshal... You ain't gonna blame me fer this axydent....

YOU an YERSELF is the onliest one what done it....

Instead of try'n ta lynch me fer yer own mistake you oughta be think'n on how we can get some more nitro...

How we gonna get a tree proper like without any serial splosives....

 

Yes sir... this could be a real problem

 

Cass's got a dandy idee with that batter'n ram, but it's always good to have a back up plan.... just in case.

 

I still got this one lil stick of dynamite 3E's give me, but that won't do the job if'n we're all the way over to Buffalo Rump...

YUP!.... need nitro

 

Chip (ponder'n plan Tosser

[Black Harris #154]

Hey Chip I got just one word CATAPULT!

[Black Harris #154]

Now hear me out.

 

Iffn we catapult the tree over the hill by Buffalo Rump to that thing that those ski fellas built. They called it a Bobby Sled run or sum such and had the tree gain speed sliding down the thing - at the bottom we could build a launch ramp.

 

And just to be safe we could have Flint sit atop the tree with ropes tied to the front of the tree to adjust for any pitch or yaw.

 

What could go wrong????

 

BH

[Grizzly Dave]

Miz T pulled away from Grizz a little bit, she was intoxicated by the smell of whiskey and chewing tobacco on his breath and had a strange look in her eyes...Grizz didn't know if she was gonna kiss him, or throw up.

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

Cassidy nodded his head. "I reckon it'd be good to have two plans workin' to be sure we wind up with one tree in the Saloon (ACS), I'll take some fellas an' work on the ram whilst a few of you work on the catapult."

 

Cassidy

[Guest Henry Horns SASS #19579L]

Chili Pepper Kid and Thundering Flatulence arrive at the scene just as the wagon takes a tilt to the starboard. Henry hollers, "Look out Chili." as he starts falling. Thundering Flatulence does what Thundering Flatulence does so well and Henry passes out cold in mid fall, collapsing like a crash dummy beside the crater.

Slowly regaining consciousness, He hears the words Ram & Catapult. That reminds him, Isn't there an old broken down Conestoga wagon out in back of ol' Fructose Sugarman's grove of maple trees? Unless there's a better notion, some of those old wagon parts might be re-usable.

[Chip Tosser SASS#27040L]

ALRIGHT!!!!.... BH, Now that's what I'm talk'n bout right there....

That sounds like another dandy Idee...

Always a good idee to have another plan just in case we can't find any nitro, and with Flint at the controls....

Well, .... what more can be said?

Flint has a vast amount of sperryence at fly'n contraptions, so it'd be a quick learn with batter'n rams er bobby sleds er cattypaults er whatever.

Yes sir...... only one problem.....

 

Flint is AWOL...

Anybody want to go ask Miss T where the old Fart might be (not the fly'n machine)

I would, but she might have murder on her mind at the present time... I ain't fully healed from the last tree miss understand'n

 

Chip (what loves Miss T dearly, but ain't of the mind to take another thump'n) Tosser

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

Cassidy, Henry and Chili Pepper found four usable wheels, the two axles and most of the conestoga's frame at Sugarman's maple grove. It took a bit of cussing and hammering, but they got the wheels in place and hauled the rolling frame back to the pine trees. Chip, BH and Rusty were arguing about the construction of the catapult.

 

Cassidy shook his head and scowled at Henry and Chili, "I don't know about you fellers but I don't want nothin' to do with that catapult! I'm gettin' too old for aerial stunts and every time Chip has launched a tree I been launched somehow as well. Not this time!"

 

Chili and Henry nodded solemnly. They got busy building up the conestoga frame until it was around ten feet high. Then they picked out a good 30 foot tree and commenced sawing it down. By attaching ropes going both directions, they figured they could slowly lower the tree onto the frame.

 

While they worked, they recounted some of the tree fetchin's of years past. "Remember when Zeb launched his special tree hauler an' flew across the sky like Santy Claus?" "Remember when we blew the roof completely off the Saloon (ACS)??" "Haw, which time?" "Remember when the tree blasted through the roof with Cassidy, Rusty, Flint an' a few others all stuck in the branches?" "like to forget that one!" "Remember when Finny wound up as baby Jesus in our accidental nativity scene?" "HAW!!"

 

Cassidy

[Chip Tosser SASS#27040L]

Dadgummit Rusty... i don't care how nervous it makes you..

It's always worked in the past ain't it?

 

If we was to put just a small charge right about here.... it would increase the leverage 10 fold.

 

*the Marshal just shook his head while BH tried to come to a comprimise*

 

Chip threw up his hands, and made some comment about the Marshal not recieving anough oxygen to think clearly

 

*Looking over at the others*

 

There, ya see.... they almost have their contraption done an we is still arguing bout where to put the splosives...

 

 

OK... how bout this....

We is a fair piece from the Saloon (ACS)....

An I will give ya that in a time er twa past we blew most of the pine needles off

SO..... If'n we was to use a smaller charge (can't believe I said that) to get the thing over the mountain, slightly boost'n the cattypalt...

Then down the bobby sled run, off'n the launch chute, then.....

If'n the Batter'n ram thingy was stratigectly placed to catch the tree....

It could roll on into town, slicker'n a cow pie.

 

Course there are a couple variables we need to work out....

Like wind drift n sech....

What we need is a test run....

 

Something bout the same weight, with a a little drag to act like the tree would....

 

 

(A little idee formulates in Chips mind)

 

 

HEY CASS!!!!.... HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH?

 

 

HUH?..... PERFECT!

 

 

HOW'D YOU FEEL IF'N WE WAS TA STUFF A COUPLE PINEY BOUGHS DOWN YER BRITCHES.

 

Chip (what firmly believes in test runs) Tosser..... reduces the danger

[coyotemoon]

Howdy, been a while since I've been around. Seen ya mentioned SUZEE, she was a blast miss her a lot. Even have her book and still couldn't figure what she was saying most of the time.

[Marshal Rusty Bore SASS#22739]

Chip ya idjut! Cass maybe the right weight but that ain't all ya gotta figure inta this. He's got the weight, but whoever heard of a round Christmas tree???????? Ya gotta have somthin long and gangley with limbs like a tree has or yer trajectory will just get ya thrown in the looney bin.

 

Now then who kin we use??????? Hmmmmmmm!!!!

[Chip Tosser SASS#27040L]

Gee Marshal.... you're look'n a tad poorly...

I think ya mighta took one to many knocks to yer noggin there....

Maybe you oughta sit down and rest fer a spell...

Lemme go fetch a rope...er ah cold drink fer ya

 

 

Go ahead an nod off if'n ya feel like it....

 

Don't you fret none, Me'n BH will take care of ya.

 

 

Chip (worried bout his pards well being)( and find'n a volunteer) Tosser

[Grizzly Dave]

Grizz and Miz T got to their feet and looked at each other. Something had happened between them, something powerful and meaningful, and as usual when it came to wimmin folks, Grizz had no clue what it was.

 

"Anyway ma'am, as I said, I was cheated but I done wrong, I'll be back come spring to do any work around the place you need done to make up for it"

 

Miz T slapped him hard across the face. "Take the damn tree, it's dead now anyway, and yes, oh yes you will pay" and with that she stormed off.

 

Grizz stodd there dumbfounded and watched her walk away, Chip was right, she was a right handsome woman. He shook his head to shake off the cobwebs, unspiked the tree and drug it back to town to the Saloon and wondered if maybe net spring he should head off to that Australia place he'd been hearing about...

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

Bottles was worried. As patrons put up the tree and began to decorate, Bottles looked at Grizzly Dave and shook his head, "we've never had a tree that wasn't a bit charred or threadbare before. Usually, when the tree finally gets here it's been through a lot... Chip's heart is in the right place but his schemes are worrisome. We've never had the tree up this early either. And I'm betting that since Rusty, Cassidy, Chip and the rest don't know about this tree... well, we're bound to have another one in a few days. I ain't sure that's a good thing."

 

Knowing Chip usually calculated for the tree to "land" in the center of the Saloon (ACS), Bottles had made sure this one was set up in a corner... a safe corner.

 

Meanwhile many miles away, Cassidy, Chili and Henry had their tree placed perfectly on their makeshift "tree wagon". Fetching a pair of oxen from a nearby ranch they harnessed up and started to carefully head for Toostone.

 

Still working on the catapult, Chip looked at them go and commented "sure glad our pards made that frame nice and big thataway... our tree will fit perfect on top o' that one. Hee hee, this oughta be good!"

 

Cassidy

[Big Jake1001]

Big Jake wakes up from a snooze sitting under the stairway back in the shadows as he hears Grizzly Dave bring the tree back into the Saloon (ACS). After listening to his story about Miss Timberline finding out how he got snookered buying a tree of hers, getting slapped,

and bring the tree back to the Saloon, he figured he'd better tell Chip and the Marshall what's going on.

 

He heads out of the Saloon and mounts up on his Clydesdale horse to go over to where he sees a mushroom cloud hanging in the sky.

Thinking bout how some splosives must have been involved blowing up something, he headed in that direction knowing Chip would be close by.

 

Seeing how everyone was working so hard building wagons and cattypults to git the tree back to the Saloon, they didn't see Big Jake ride up till he was right there in the middle of 'em. He tells 'em 'bout the tree Grizz brought back from Miss Timberline's and how green and bushy it looks but it's in the corner.

 

Chip, Cassidy, Henry, Rusty, BH, all looking at Big Jake as he gits down offen his Clydesdale ask why he's riding such a big horse?

" Well, At 6'6" and a little over 400 lbs. no other horse could haul me around. Then Big Jake sees them all thinking 'bout a crash test dummie for trial run on their cattypult. He tries to turn and run, but 5-6 jump on him and tie him up.

 

"I don't want a job flying no tree over Buffalo Rump, sliding down a bobby sled and launching into a wagon for a quick ride into Toostone"

 

Big ( whats knows sumpin is going to happen soon) Jake

[Chili Pepper Kid, SASS #60463]

Chili Pepper Kid stands leaning against "Thundering Flatulence" takes a pull from his ever present jug of Old Tanglefoot and passes it ta Henry. "Ya know Henry one of us should go be a chappyrune fer old Grizz & Miz T" says Chili "Does two whar lookin awful googly eyed at each other". Old Grizz may try ta "plant a tree" wif her an he would be lost fer sure & fer certain"!

 

 

 

Chili Pepper Kid

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

We interrupt our program for this important message... are you self abusive? Do you long for lumps and bruises all over your body? Do you perhaps have a death wish?

 

LOL here... fellers, the point needs to be made that Timberline is married an' livin' at the ol' tree ranch up yonder with ol' Flint Westwood. Flint bein' her husband who used to join in here as an original Saloonatic but don't no more but still would get mighty peeved regarding any even fictional liberties with the fair an' lovely Miss T... so don't even go there.

 

A point of direction... Big Jake....... Now Cassidy, Henry and Chili surely didn't help Chip turn you into a guinea pig, as they had already left with tree number one. Must have been some other fellas you mistook for us back there with Chip, Rusty an' BH with tree number two.

 

Chili, I ain't sure where you are exactly... must still be drinkin' after the Lions game... carry on.

 

Continuity ain't been our strong point in the past either... and now back to our story.

 

Cassidy LOL

[Grizzly Dave]

Grizz climbs on his horse and heads for San Francisco to catch the next boat to Australia.

 

He could be heard to say as he rode out of sight "I didn't know, honest I didn't"

[Chip Tosser SASS#27040L]

Chip is now somewhat bewildered....

 

Well, more so than normal....

 

If'n we already have a tree in the Saloon, then what in tarnation are we doing out here in the cold?

And, I'm not sure what Grizzly Daves intentions were Cass, but Austrailia may not be far enough away if'n Flint gets wind of things...

Shoot... he already traveled halfway round the world to kick some keister in his youth.... an he ain't got softer with age.

Yup, Grizz, you may want to ask BH fer some pointers on hit'n the outlaw trail. He schooled me on the finer points once, an through his sperryence, I'm still here to talk about it. Them was dangerous times, an all I did was let Flint help me with a sperryment. An we is close pards.

 

What er we gonna do with this cattypalt Rustyy? BH?

An the bobby sled run?

Maybe we could charge folks a nickle fer a ride er a launch'n

 

Calm down, calm down Marshal.... I said launch'n, not lynch'n

 

anywho... what 'r we gonna do now?

[Marshal Rusty Bore SASS#22739]

Ya sure ya didn't meen lynchin?????? Dang it!

 

Since ya named it after him maybe Silver Dollar Bobby kin use the bob sled ta deliver telegrams n such. The cattypult I ain't sure bout since we ain't got any cats. It does have a nice round seat like thingy there that'd make a good seat fer a feller ta sit in an watch a fire r sumpin. Maybe we kin give it ta Flint ta relax in. It's the least we kin do after all you've done to hi.................I meen after all the help he's given ya over the years.

 

Speakin of Flint, ya got one of his ceegars on ya?

[Chili Pepper Kid, SASS #60463]

Chili Pepper Kid runs ta the edge of town and yells (in his best boy from Shane voice).

 

"Don't leave us Dave, We need ya Dave, Come back Dave we know it was all a misunderstanding, Daaavvveee"!!!

 

 

 

 

Chili Pepper (am I a good actor or what) Kid

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

Henry had noticed that Cassidy kept putting his hand to his ear. "Cass, what are you listening to?"

 

Cassidy shook his head slightly... "Henry we had this happen a couple times before. I can hear what Chip's sayin' even though he's a couple miles back. He must hear other voices cuz he's mumbling about Dave already havin' a tree in the Saloon (ACS)."

 

Henry wished he had a thermometer to see if Cassidy had a fever "sure Cass, sure."

 

Cassidy spoke in a low voice... "Chip do you hear me?"

 

Chip answered "izzat you Cass?"

 

Cassidy nodded, "er... yeah, it's me. We got the magic voice thing goin' again!"

 

Chip answered "I can walk and talk at the same time! Miles apart... hee hee. Walk, talk... walkie, talkie... hee hee."

 

"By now even I believe I'm tetched in the head... someone, RESCUE US!!"

 

Cassidy

[Sierra Jack Cassidy, SASS 14336Life]

(Okay, forget my last post, I always get a little weird when I watch Big Bang Theory.)

 

Cassidy and Henry reached the road with the tree in tow on the "battering ram".

 

Chili Pepper had gone back to town for a beer and possibly an audition.

 

Suddenly a large freight wagon came at them on the road. It was driven by a feller they had never seen. Cassidy hailed the man "Howdy stranger, where ya headed".

 

The stranger smiled "howdy, the name's Persis Lundstrom but my friends call me Forgetful. I'm tryin' to get a load of mining supplies to the Double Duece Mine... but I forget ezackly what they told me fer directions!"

 

Henry spoke up, "Howdy Persis, I'm Henry Horns. Did you say mining supplies?"

 

"Yup, I got all manner of supplies... even a case of nitro packed in straw and old newspaper!"

 

Cassidy looked at Henry and back at Persis, "just follow our trail in the snow. You'll come to a feller that will help ya... his name's Chip Tosser."

 

 

Cassidy

[Grizzly Dave]

Grizz rode hard until he just happened to run into Chip and the rest. He explained his predicament and told them he'd about decided that running was the wrong thing to do. It may well have been the smart thing though. He'd decided to go to Flint and see what happened. After all, he'd done nothing wrong, and surely if Miz T was Flints woman there's no way in hell that she'd ever have any feelings for a smelly old mountain man like Grizz.

 

Chip just scratched his chin and listened. When Grizz finished, he looked around to the bunch for support, or reaction...

[Pulp, SASS#28319]

Pulp had been watchin' Chip, Cass and the others get the tree on the humongawagon from his cabin as he was workin' up a new batch of rocket propellant for experiments. Kinda a mixture of gunpowder and clay that gives a nice controlled, high thrust burn. So, while ever'one else is discussin' and cussin' the next move, Pulp goes down, drills a long deep hole into the trunk of the tree and stuffs it full of his special rocket fuel, followed by a short fuse.

 

He knows that Chip will see the fuse, and Chip being Chip, will just have to light it. Some things just can't be helped ya know.

 

Pulp just hopes the wagon is pointed in the right direction when Chip sees the fuse.