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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

Did anybody else see Kid Rich delivering pizza in Bisbee?

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older: No. 9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. No. 8 Life is sexually transmitted. No. 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. No. 6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. No. 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. No. 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. No. 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. No. 2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. No. 1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

I stand in awe of the truly strong women in my life. Yesterday my old squad partner Sandy posted a selfie on her Facebook page. Sandy was plucked from her brand new Harley Dresser on a crooked Athens County roadway; she was thrown into the guard rail, her injuries were severe enough I had my black suit cleaned. Many surgeries and recurrent infections later, the leg wore enough plates, screws, bolts, rivets, internal fixations and stitches to send an airport metal detector into low Earth orbit: most recently, the hardware was not remaining fixed, infections kept recurring, and Sandy posted a selfie. It wasn't taken of her face. It was taken of her leg-and-a-half. They finally took it off below the knee. Sandy's comment? "I'll have to get a custom dragon saddle now!" She's example number one. Example number two is my aunt, she who was hit by a speeding motor sickle in Florida. She was crossing the street, this Jack Doe was doing an estimated 90-plus, she lost her leg below the knee. Her comment? "I always said I was a hillbilly with one leg shorter than the other!" To this day she's kept that smile and that rotten sense of humor -- she added "I wanted to take off weight, just not with the Alfred Hitchcock method -- you know, by using a knife!" Third example, my baby sis. Mama passed away six years ago this month; Baby Sis found out the day of her death, that she had breast cancer. She hid it from us for one calendar month after because she did not want to add to our grief. When I found out she'd kept mum I said "I oughta turn you over my knee and fan your biscuits!" to which she replied with that laugh of hers, "Catch me first!" Attitude all over the place, all three of 'em! Good looks, laughter, strength ... if any of 'em are autopsied, in the fullness of time, they'll find they have a back bone of stainless steel with whalebone reinforcements, every one of 'em!

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s nethers and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s family heirlooms, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “Divorce attorney.”