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Buckshot Bear

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Everything posted by Buckshot Bear

  1. A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body.”The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”“My wife”, he replied.
  2. Wallaby.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. Why do women always watch porn movies until the end ?Because they think at the end everyone's going to get married...
  4. One afternoon a man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.Thinking it would be good for a laugh, the man went inside and sat down."Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children.""That's what you think," said the man scornfully."I'm the father of three children."The mysterious psychic grinned and said, "That's what you think!"
  5. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together, more than 50 years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” “Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.” “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?” he asks. “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!” A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?” Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
  6. YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.3. You have more wives than teeth.4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
  7. All Aussie kids (and big kids) love making them
  8. LOL Dave These are what we call thongs down here -
  9. How do you ask an Aussie waiter for the bill? 'Checkmate!'
  10. An Australian on safari... An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves. "My god," he says. "Are you game?" She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am." So he shoots her.
  11. If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?
  12. Well.....it is a hot place! "Mexicans, New Zealanders and Romanians ranked lowest in terms of how frequently they got drunk, according to the report". Well not to sure about that.....I've known a lot of New Zealanders and they were all pissheads!
  13. A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, heaps mate, I was a salesman back in Oz." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Here in Harrods, our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£108,637.64", the Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "£108,637.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so took him down to Harrods car sales and I sold him a Cayenne "The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4wheeldrive?" "No, no, no...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said..."Well, since your weekend's not gonna' be much, you might as well go fishing.
  14. Bruce took his missus to a restaurant. The waiter took his order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself."
  15. I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...Scared me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.
  16. One of the Sydney's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked;'Why are you laughing, mate?''I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied.'I'm a gynaecologist'........
  17. One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on her bust and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response... So she rolled over and grabbed him by his crotch. With a death grip in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
  18. 25 Reasons why beer is better than women 1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long 2 - Beer stains wash out 3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer 4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football 5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one 6 - Beer is never late 7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer 8 - Hangovers go away 9 - Beer labels come off without a fight 10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer 11 - Beer never has a headache 12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents 13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer 14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head 16 - A beer always goes down easy 17 - You can always share a beer with friends 18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer 19 - Beer is always wet 20 - Beer doesn't demand equality 21 - You can have a beer in public 22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home 23 - A frigid beer is a good beer 24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good 25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance
  19. You're dropping my make believe non existent shares in Fosters Brewing
  20. Pssssst........you're letting the cat out of the bag Wallaby
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