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Buckshot Bear

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Everything posted by Buckshot Bear

  1. BODY MEETING: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge "I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!
  2. LOL I like that Alpo
  3. Facts about Orstralia! 1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie. 5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking). 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the pallet. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped. 12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. 14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes. 15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing. 16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'. 18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it). 20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying. 22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home. 25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself. 26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher. 27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds. 28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". 29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies. 30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!
  4. Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And Finally............................. In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
  5. Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time. ... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrows
  6. A Vietnamese Doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks" A German Doctor says " That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks" A Russian Doctor says "In My country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks" The Australian Doctor, not to be outdone, says " You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra for one year, and now half the country is looking for work"!
  7. Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?" "Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"
  8. An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction sitenoticed the coarse language of the workersand decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch,sit with the workersand talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bagandwalked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:"and do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down'why'? The worker yelled back, "Cos his sheila's here with his lunch"
  9. Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.His dude replies 'You're so lucky... Mine is still alive...'
  10. I’ve finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine. He’s a Bordeaux Collie. And yes, he paws it himself.
  11. A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body.”The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”“My wife”, he replied.
  12. Wallaby.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  13. Why do women always watch porn movies until the end ?Because they think at the end everyone's going to get married...
  14. One afternoon a man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.Thinking it would be good for a laugh, the man went inside and sat down."Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children.""That's what you think," said the man scornfully."I'm the father of three children."The mysterious psychic grinned and said, "That's what you think!"
  15. All Aussie kids (and big kids) love making them
  16. LOL Dave These are what we call thongs down here -
  17. How do you ask an Aussie waiter for the bill? 'Checkmate!'
  18. An Australian on safari... An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves. "My god," he says. "Are you game?" She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am." So he shoots her.
  19. If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?
  20. Well.....it is a hot place! "Mexicans, New Zealanders and Romanians ranked lowest in terms of how frequently they got drunk, according to the report". Well not to sure about that.....I've known a lot of New Zealanders and they were all pissheads!
  21. Boob Denude
  22. They gladden the heart don't they!
  23. Love this photo!
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