Buckshot Bear

Much better than a hot water bottle in Winter

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

Bruce and Sheila were spending the day at Taronga Zoo. Sheila was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and VB singlet. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at Sheila in the pink dress. Bruce noticed the excitement,and thought this was funny. Bruce suggested that his missus tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then Bruce suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then Bruce grabbed his missus, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"

I got no idea what the hell this is.....but I know I don't want to meet one whilst I'm having a swim!!!!!

Bruce asked his missus, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Snags = Sausages

Aussie BBQ procedure: 1 - The woman buys the food. 2 - The woman takes a cold beer from the fridge and takes it to her husband who is talking about footy to his mates, and then she makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3 - The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - and gives him another cold beer. 4 - The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the discussion of cricket, footy, cars, fishing, and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. 5 - The man places the meat and snags on the BBQ plate. 6 - The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 7 - The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat 8 - The man takes the meat and snags off the plate and hands it to the woman. 9 - The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table, with more beer for the man and his friends.. 10 - After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 11 - Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts that made this barbie a great success. 12 - The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

LOL....glad that's fake I wouldn't leave the house !!!

Alpo if you mean the above photo, its a python eating a Ring Tail Possum. They'll even get a kangaroo down them, this one is eating a Wallaby sorry @Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062

Poor Ring Tail Possum

"A light lunch of dry biscuits and spreads (margarine, vegemite, cheese, jam) was provided with the intention that this could be stowed in the pocket, and thus obviate the opening of the field pack for the midday meal"., https://vietnam.unsw.adfa.edu.au/keeping-the-troops-in-the-field-part-1-rations/

Australians in Action - Vietnam War @St Louis Suomi #31905

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

Saturday morning Bruce got up early to go for his weekly fishing trip. He was moving quietly so he would not wake his missus, got dressed, filled the esky with beer, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat up to the ute , and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be lousy all day. Bruce went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his missus' back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." Sheila replied, "Hmm come closer, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Collection of hilarious maps sum up life in Australia https://www.escape.com.au/destinations/australia/collection-of-hilarious-maps-sum-up-life-in-australia/news-story/dde139d5864283330ac7abbf0225d86e

Useless information unless you come for a visit - Australians don't tip (per se), we're not tight arses, its just not part of our culture.

Hessian or the up market woven polyethylene bags?