Buckshot Bear

If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?

Well.....it is a hot place! "Mexicans, New Zealanders and Romanians ranked lowest in terms of how frequently they got drunk, according to the report". Well not to sure about that.....I've known a lot of New Zealanders and they were all pissheads!

Boob Denude

They gladden the heart don't they!

Love this photo!

Ever wondered about: Guts or Balls... There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your missus with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your missus on the ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.'' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in severe injury.

Australia is pretty big.....but driving around through the unpopulated parts it feels a LOT bigger because there's only 25 million of us compared to the 300 or so million that you guys have in roughly give or take the same area.

An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday. She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer. She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to her son. She stops to rest when she is tired, eats when she is hungry, and otherwise enjoys her time. On the second day, she realizes it’s about time to hurry things up if she wants to make it to her son’s before his birthday. She begins to ramp up the speed, just a few miles at a time. Soon, she’s flying down the highway, eager to get to New Orleans before sundown. Suddenly, a police officer pulls her over. “Ma’am,” he says, “Do you know why I stopped you?” “Yes,” the Aussie responds, “I may have been going a tad too fast in this car. I’m not used to the rules of the road around here and the speed got away from me. You see, I’m from another country and I’m trying to visit my son. ” “Well, ma’am, you were clocking above 95 MPH! Did you come here to DIE??” “No,” she says. “I came here yester-die.”

ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope

No....Hope I'm not getting early onset Alzheimer's .....least I'll be able to re-watch a lot of movies again.

No? I need a brain refresh

She Missed A Dinner With Tom Cruise (Aussie Lamb Commercial)

LOL he calls me as well......right around dinner time. But I didn't fall for this one @Trailrider #896

Sheila to Bruce: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.Bruce replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

An old bloke in Darwin lived alone and he wanted to plant a vegie garden.But it was very difficult work, as the ground in Darwin is mostly rock and red clay. His only son, Robbo, who could help him, was in Berrimah prison again for drink driving and dope smoking.The old bloke wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his problem.Dear Robbo, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my vegie garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were it would be easier. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.A coupla days later he received a letter from his son.Dear dad, what ever you do, don't dig up that bloody garden. That's where the bodies are buried.Early the next morning, the cops arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old bloke and left.That same day the old bloke received another letter from his son.Dear dad, go ahead and plant the vegies now. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are.'

Sheila asked Bruce: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

"How to Talk Australians"

Much better than a hot water bottle in Winter

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

Bruce and Sheila were spending the day at Taronga Zoo. Sheila was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and VB singlet. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at Sheila in the pink dress. Bruce noticed the excitement,and thought this was funny. Bruce suggested that his missus tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then Bruce suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then Bruce grabbed his missus, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"