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Buckshot Bear

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  1. The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear."Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?""I don't have any.""Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?""Ninety three.""Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
  2. Little Johny went down to the local jetty to catch a fish. He had his old coke bottle with several broken fishing lines tied together, a single rusty hook, an old wine bottle cork top for a float and a bit of mouldy old bread for bait. When he got there, there were several seasoned fishermen already there with their custom made fishing rods, Shimano Stella SW600 reels fitted with the ultimate Seaguar Threadlock braided fishing lines and a selection of fresh bait, spinners and colourful hand crafted lures. They were equally spaced apart sitting on expensive Trailhead camp chairs and all were wearing Columbia shirts under fishing vests adorned with a variety of lures and spinners.A couple of the blokes made room for Johny and gave each other a smirk before settling back in their chairs. Johny threw his line in and before he could sit down, the line jerked and almost pulled him over into the water. He could barely hold onto the line and he struggled for about ten minutes before finally managing to pull the fish onto the jetty.The other guys were gobsmacked. The fish was about as big as Johny himself, but he managed to pick it up and stagger home with it. When he got home he called out for someone to open the front door. His Mum came out and exclaimed "What a magnificent fish Johny!" and told him to put it on the kitchen table.The whole family gathered in the kitchen marveling at the size of the fish and how wonderful Johny was for catching it. His father said "I wonder what sort of fish it is. Ill get the encyclopedia and see if its in there."Little Johny said "Don't worry dad, the blokes down at the jetty said it was a F****g Fluke
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